As I sit here and write this, my tummy is moving like something out of the Alien movies. Limbs and odd shapes are starting to appear on my tummy and the ‘butterflies’ that people have described it as have now turned into full blown rolly pollys with some hap hazard boxing moves. I’m 30 weeks pregnant with a beautiful baby boy! This is an exciting time in the Dyson house hold and this new adventure that we are embarking on is scary, overwhelming and amazing all wrapped into one.
However, the 27th April is not a happy day for me or my family and sometimes I wish that the date would just magically vanish off of the calendar or become a national leap year every year so we don’t have to experience it. 6 years ago today my Mum passed away to ‘The Big C’. 6 years ago today a piece of my heart broke off never to be replaced.
Living without a Mum has become everyday life. After a while you have to carry on, go back to work and resume your daily routine like it never happened but its always there in the back of your mind, niggling away. 6 years on and there are people that don’t even know that I don’t have a Mum. Everyone just assumes because you are being a happy, normal person that you cant possibly have been through something quite that horrific and gut-wrenchingly awful. Otherwise you would be walking around sad and crying all the time, right?
It doesn’t really work like that. Grief doesn’t really work like that. Grief ebbs and flows like waves in the sea, some days crashing down on you, drowning you in emotion. Other days its calm and serene with little tiny ripples of sadness.
Today feels different than the normal crashing waves and storm of emotions that usually pass over me. Something is different.
Today I have a constant ‘kicking’ reminder of new life inside me and embarking on this journey to become a Mum has made me reflect today in a very different way.
Today there is an even more overwhelming sense of loss and a bigger hole than the one I have previously covered over. Today reminds me that my beautiful, kind and amazing Mum will never get to meet the little boy that Andy and I have created. She will never get to see me be the same generous, crazy, loving, meddling Mum that she was to me for so many years. She wont get to see me grow as a person and experience the trials and tribulations of parenthood. She wont get to give me her advice, support or calm me down when I’m overwhelmed with the tiny human we have bought into this world. All of that is gone, never to be given or passed on to me. I have been robbed of those experiences with her so instead have to remember what she was like with me when I was growing up:
Kind. Unconditional. Strong. Thoughtful. Crazy. Vibrant. Passionate. Loving. Reliable. Forgiving. Meddling. Generous.
If I am half the amazing Mum that she was to me, then I think I will be doing a pretty good job for our son. She was a star, one of a kind and truly the best Mum that anyone could have wanted and if she was still here today she would be my bestest friend.
It feels like yesterday she passed away and the memories are still as poignant as the were 6 years ago. People say things get better over time and they are wrong. It doesn’t get better, you just find different ways to deal with the same pain.
So I say drink the wine, tell that person you love them, go on that holiday, laugh, enjoy yourself and most of all be happy.
Life is bloody short.